by Lee Cross
Ever read a book that was bad (I mean really really BAD) and been left puzzling as to what to do with it next?
(1) Take it camping. Seriously unpalatable books are a necessity if you are planning on spending time in the field, they’re like Swiss army knives made of paper. Can’t start a fire? – bingo, you got yourself tinder! Shoes are soaked? – Screwed up balls of paper of are perfect! Worried about rashes??? – well… just don’t forget to worry about papercuts.
(2) Use it as a coaster. (I mean – duh, obviously, right?)
(3) Send hate mail to the author. Anyone can trowel (@leopoldbroom #suckbigdonkeyballs) online but it takes time (see also: glue / scissors / generic paper / latex gloves) to cut, copy and paste a proper letter! Really show your disgust by using full sentences from the book so the author has to feel your discontent in literally their own words! Just remember, don’t lick the envelope shut! (…it’s a bad idea…at least, so I’m told…)
(4) Found a religion. Seems outlandish? Well it’s been done! and I mean in the last 50 years! (I’m talking about The Commodore of course) Take a steaming pile of shit sheer lunacy, tell everybody it’s the truth and see how much money you can make!
(5) Use it as a conversation shield. You know the coffee house (perhaps it featured in Battlestar Galactica) where they ask you mindless questions while you wait for coffee, “can I take your name?” “having a good day?” blah blah etc… Next time visit with that bad book in hand, “Good book sir?” No. It’s shit. Where’s my goddam coffee… and that will be the end of the questions.
(Or you could always read it again… maybe it won’t be as bad with a second viewing… who knows?)