Leopold Broom Investigates: The Count of Monte Cristo – REVENGE!!!

By Lee Cross

[Note: I haven’t written what comes next yet but it’s probably going to contain some spoilers… as the book is getting on for 170 years old, I can’t believe there’s much left that hasn’t been spoiled, so I’m ok with that.]

“Revenge is a dish best served cold” – Where is that from? The Godfather??? …honestly, it’s late here, I can’t remember; and I definitely can’t be arsed Googling it (when I start fact hunting at 2am it’s 5am before I know it and all I have to show for the missing hours is a better understanding of how to roast a potato in goose fat or that time the CIA recruited Saddam Hussain to assassinate the democratically elected leader of Iraq… you know, 5am shit like that).

The ‘Revenge Story’ is what I want to blog about today (there’s more than enough politics and cooking advice online) and while I can think of several great novels which have it as the central theme, there’s one that stands head and shoulders above the rest: – The Count of Monte Cristo – I flipping love it!!!

The story of Edmund Dantes is filled with love, adventure, heroism and betrayal…and there is NO ONE who deals with betrayal better than Edmund Dantes.

Let’s review… as a young man he’s betrayed by…

Actually, let’s not review (see above – I can’t be arsed), if you don’t know the story go out and pick it up; because of its age you’ll find it cheap in nearly every bookshop, not to mention freely available on the web.

Whenever I’m wronged, which happens (although not often – being a white English-speaking heterosexual male), I always imagine myself going full blown Dantes on their arse… (seriously, I’ve even drawn of up a list of Islands to name myself after – I’ll just be spelling my title sans the O)

Someone takes my parking space … cuts in front of while I’m queuing for groceries …doesn’t clean his dogs mess up in the park …thanks God for ten minutes after winning a Grammy, but neglects to mention the person(s) who wrote the bloody songs – AND BOOM, I’m off amassing an imagery fortune of Gatesonian proportions, tracking my prey meticulous over the course of decades, establishing a complex network of spies, business contacts and secret identities – AND THEN, they’re going to be sorry – they’ll be f*ck*d over more than a 60 year old porn star with two plastics ball joints where her knees used to be.

AND FINALLY, for good measure, I’ll sail away into the sunset (literally) on my own private yacht, with my own Princess as a love/sex slave.

The story of Edmund Dantes might not be the best tale every told but it is the bench mark against which I measure all other Revenge stories against.

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