by Lee Cross
It’s a question that’s plagued readers throughout the ages – just how many books is it appropriate to bring to a wedding?
I’m not going to mess around here and say, ‘well it depends on how well you know the couple’ (now that I’ve brought it up though, would it be better to know the bride and groom really well or not at all?) or… well, any possible justification you can think of.
Simply, the answer is – None. Do not bring a book with you to a wedding. It is a bad idea.
Have you ever heard a bride say something like, ‘oh, it’s just another day for me – as long as everyone enjoys themselves that’s the main thing’?
Well she lying. It IS NOT just another day for her, and while she certainly does hope that the guests have a good time, she is not sanctioning the breaking out of a Penguin Pocket Edition… it doesn’t even matter which title you chose to bring… “but it’s The Fountainhead, do you how relevant that is to you guys?” – even if she, he, or they do get the reference(s) they won’t care… you’ll be reading a f*****g book at their wedding!
The real question you need to ask yourself is, how much longer do I want to live…
“Doesn’t the bride look wonderful…” – Yes. Radiant. I especially like the way she is carrying the severed heads of the grooms Ex’s in a clear polythene sack. It’s very sweet.
“Gosh look at the father of the bride dancing”, cue laughter, “I think he might have had one too many drinks…” – Haha. Yes, he’s very cute. I saw him pissing all over himself in the bathroom earlier; it was very sweet.
“Are you reading a fucking book?!” – Umm…
Somebody is going to want to kill you; the bride / groom / parents / grandparents / your friends / your date / every female in the room… The list goes on and on, with only the method of execution differing.
Still, I’d love to be the guy who did It – took the book. RSVPing with Harper Lee, or whoever, as your PLUS-1. Just taking my seat at the dinner table and setting the novel down on the spot next to me… that would be class!
Forever more I would have transformed an ordinary everyday wedding, the happy union of Joe Blogs and Jane Doe, into ‘that time that bloke brought a book with him as his PLUS-1’ – A day people would remember forever.
The story would travel far and wide, it would become legend… so real and ridiculous that no one would be able to bring themselves to fully believe it… the originator would become a silent hero to everyone who had ever been at a terrible wedding.
Please note: A SILENT HERO… no sane person is going to put their hand up and say, ‘this guy – he was a hero to every person who ever stifled a yawn.’