by Kaley Ingenito

For the majority of my life I had considered myself a dog person.

It’s not that I didn’t like other animals, just that I had a strong affinity for the four legged canines that have managed to earn the “man’s best friend” title.

But no longer.

Through the magic of life’s twists and turns I am now the accidental owner of two cats and, let me tell you, they are far superior- not just to dogs, but every other animal, and most humans as well.

Cat haters just see the aloof and critical exterior.

But it takes time to get to know a cat. I can tell you, after years of research and observation, cats have the best personalities you will ever find.

No, they are not going to beg for your attention. But loyalty? You won’t find a stronger manifestation than in a cat who loves you.

They are cunning and wise and way smarter than you will ever be. Playful? Sure, but don’t fuck with them or they will scratch your eyes out. And kitten cuddles? Forget about it. Just die and go to heaven already!

Try looking for these traits in humans and you will often be disappointed. And as some of you are barred from experiencing the true bliss of cat ownership by allergies (*cough* Claritin is over the counter *cough*), or apartment lease restrictions (DICTATORS!), or just the general inability to care for a living creature (oh grow up), I have compiled a list of the best cat characters in literature to keep you company.

Top 5 Coolest Cat Characters in Literature

1- Aslan from the Narnia series by C. S. Lewis: The King of Narnia

‘Aslan’ illustration by Pauline Baynes, 1950

Cats are gods. I truly believe that- although in this case it’s primarily allegorical.

Many parallels can be drawn between the story of Jesus Christ and Christian author C. S. Lewis’ King of the jungle. I wonder if this is Lewis’ commentary on Christianity itself or if he just really thought lions were cool enough to be compared to a Lord and Savior. Either way, I’m in to it.

But really, Aslan is just an all around good guy. Protecting the weak, keeping the peace, bringing people back to life just by breathing on them. All the good stuff.

Why He’s Cool: Flying, healing powers, resurrection. You know, the basics

2- Behemoth from Master and the Margarita by Mikhail Bulgakov

Cats are devils.

Or, in this case, just the Devil’s best friend. Behemoth is a four foot tall, martini drinking, gun slinging, murderous fluff ball who carries out the devil’s bidding with a smarminess that can only be compared to your cat looking you right in the eye as it knocks your water glass off the table.

You’re annoyed but you also think its pretty adorable.

Why He’s Cool: Able to drink martinis and fire guns without opposable thumbs

3- Professor Minerva McGonagall from Harry Potter series by JK Rowling

Professor McGonagall FanArt by Hermoine75

Cats are smart. Smarter than you.

For example, cats have devised a hierarchical society where they show up, we feed them, and they leave. If they feel like it they might throw in some cuddles.

No work, no trade, no requirements, just free room and board. I haven’t quite figured out how they managed to convince us this was a good arrangement but we all seem pretty ok with it.

And Professor McGonagall is the smartest. This kitten will be having none of your nonsense, thank you very much. Don’t test her or she will send an army of Hogwarts Knights after you. PIERTOTUM LOCOMOTOR

Why She’s Cool: SHE CAN CHANGE FROM A PERSON TO A CAT I NEED THAT SUPER POWER (for my nap schedule).

4- Cheshire Cat from Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland by Lewis Carrol

Cats are confusing. One minute they’re all “pet my belly” and the next minute its like “HOW DARE YOU TOUCH MY MOST VULNERABLE SEA OF FLUFF, HUMAN.”

So you have to be careful, and take note of subtle direction, and not blame the cat if you took a sign to mean something other than what it was.

The Cheshire Cat is delightfully taunting and never straight forward. Everything he says means something else, except when it doesn’t, and its up to you to know the difference.

Why He’s Cool: Powers of invisibility. Also, pink.

5- The Cat in the Hat from The Cat in the Hat by Dr. Suess

Cats are naughty. Deliberately naughty. Basically criminals.

And you can’t train them- I’ve tried. They are like toddlers with ADHD in a room full of bubbles.

Tell them no and they will just do it again when you’re not looking. So The Cat in the Hat breaking in to a house, forcing children to play maniacal games, and endangering the life of the sassy little fish is not a terribly far fetched plot.

And so, although The Cat in the Hat is very naughty, he is at the same time quite endearing. After all, he’s just trying to get the kids to have a little fun.

Why He’s Cool: He rhymes better than Eminem.